Congratulations, You Failed!

A guide to reconstructing failure and learning to perceive it through rose-colored lenses.  

Illustration by Grace Comia

Failure. 

One word. Two syllables. An abominable horror.

Ask someone what failure tastes like. And no, this is not a test for synesthesia. 

The most common answer you’ll hear is bitter — unpleasant, vicious, thick like treacle. Or perhaps sour, a tangerine toffee left in the heat for too long that leaves the tongue struck. While there is, technically, no wrong reply, another variation of this answer is also worth exploring.

Failure tastes of citrus. More specifically, over-sweetened lemonade. It's mildly warm in the throat, mid-winter sunshine in the afternoon right before the spell of dusk, and quick to fade into a dull throbbing in the head and jittery nerves familiar to what eagerness-induced anxiety feels like.

Failure tastes like new beginnings. 

While the general definition of the word is repulsive enough for most to cast it to condemnation immediately, its individual effects aren’t often unabashedly discussed. That is also why the wide berth left by prejudices linked with failure are occupied with tales of people who have tasted the forsaken and grown to achieve things far more precious than success — purpose and fulfillment. 

Let’s begin with a personal anecdote.

Around four hundred seniors at my high school were recently filed into an assembly area to attend a talk on the importance of success. Rather, the lack of it. 

It began like any motivational session angled at hyperactive, angsty teenagers on the cusp of legal adulthood. (And yes, that is what the entirety of the adolescent population is perceived to be by some who consider themselves superior due to their vetted and continued presence on this planet for additional decades.) 
“You all want to be successful, don’t you?” 

The hidden question might as well have been spoken aloud. “You don’t want to taste failure, do you?” 

The crowd was hesitant to answer. That could be attributed to the fact that most students in attendance were used to success and failure being measured in numbers on a mark sheet and in the gravity of an expression on a parent’s face. The world has, as is bound to, shoved snippets of experiences at them before. Tales of children who horrified everyone by scoring grades so low they never managed to recover in life and existed in a dimly lit circle of regret forever. Office workers who slept on the job and missed opportunities knock on the door and thus proceeded to cycle through daily motions driven by clockwork. It gets darker and increasingly dismal from here so I’ll leave it to imagination’s liberty.

These students were largely unaware of what lies beyond the safety of the school's four walls and the disconcerting assurity of quarterly mark sheets. Failure at school, they know, is a sure cause of embarrassment amongst peers and risk of disappointing parents. Failure outside is tempered with luck. 

They’ve all heard of brilliant personalities who’ve failed in one aspect of life and succeeded to the point of immortalization in another. Failure, they’re mildly aware, is a portal to transcending one’s own bounds and shunning commonality. 

To understand the exact meaning of it, though, they need to learn to redefine failure and understand its full effects beyond the dictionary’s definition. 

So, while our young, incredibly confused high school population haggles with success and failure and safety and all such important terms, here’s a hypothesis of how failure can be transformed into a more pleasant, rosy connotation. 

Seeing failure for what it truly is

Beyond the ghastly and shallow definition on the internet exists a not-so-threatening reality to failure. It is not the end of the road by any means. A single minor setback or even a colossal error cannot be considered and treated like the end of times regardless of how demeaning it might seem in the moment. There is also the factor of the cost associated with failure, but while we can try to minimize the chance of it, we need to acknowledge that there is no guarantee of success. 

Oftentimes, the stigma around failure and the disappointment that accompanies it manifests into fear. This fear of failure stems from the human mind’s tendency to protect itself. As noble and innate as its purpose originally is, it also stops us from fulfilling our aspirations and taking that next step forward.

When internalized, fear of failure stops us from growing and embarking on new pathways. And growth is essential for our survival in a fast-paced world. 

So next time, when failure stares you in the face, try to swallow your pride and recognize it as an opportunity for growth.

Learning from your failures

Once you’ve gotten past the stage of sulking in a dark corner and berating yourself (hey, we all do it), it’s time to look back and reflect. 

Instead of running away from the consequences of failure or avoiding it altogether, try to navigate your way forward instead of dwelling on the past. Failure is a nagging companion, but it can also be a good teacher. Take this time to reevaluate your process and discover what might’ve gone wrong. 

Sometimes, in certain places and careers, failure is imminent. Simply knowing that can provide relief and teach you much about yourself in the way you deal with rejections. 

Dig deep into the why of failure until you see your answer clearly, and move on.

Forgive yourself

It’s normal to go on a self-hate parade and put the blame on yourself when something goes awry. Accountability is great — dealing with failure is where it isn’t necessarily required. 

While talking about failure at an individual level, we already understand that we are the sole human force at play. Forgiveness can go a long way, especially when the person you need to forgive is yourself. Allowing yourself the room to breathe, be imperfect, and make mistakes is an act of self-love. 

Seeing failure as something caused by externalities rather than an internal flaw, or adopting positive attributional styles, can help develop healthy coping mechanisms and foster positive change. 

Forgiving yourself can also bleed into the very first step of the failure grieving cycle — acknowledgment. Acknowledge your fear of failure and deduct facts from irrational beliefs. Remember who you are and why you’re doing this in the first place. 

This is the part where we reiterate our purpose and intention.

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There you have it.

Three extremely condensed steps to conquering failure and repurposing it into a positive force driving your ambitions. 

Personally, listening to well-loved figures in the current publishing industry like Sabaa Tahir and Xiran Jay Zhao, amongst others, talk about their struggles with failure made me realize just how much lighter we feel when we have someone to relate to and tell us it’s alright to encounter failure time and again. 

To conclude, failure is part of what makes us human and prompts us to grow. Shying away from talking about our experiences doesn't take away the distress of it, it just makes it harder for people to process their emotions and confront them in a healthy manner.

Allow yourself to be human and imperfect and make mistakes. 

Growth looks good on you.